lonely hearts club goes global

Have you ever tried to escape the real world? Because I have a case of the real world blues. Well, I had them them. Bad. So, instead of turning to hard drugs like the other blues brothers (John Belushi rest in peace) I decided to take a trip.

I am venturing around Europe in 34 days mostly because looking for love in all the wrong places seems to be way more fun then looking for love in the easy places (fraternity houses, bars, work, even church). All of the men listed in the previous places were either Good time Gary’s with no commitment (or other issues-if you know what I mean close friends) or Holier than now Hanks *names changed for sake of good interest). No what I am looking for! So I’m ready for the foreign love bug to jump up and bit me!

I am 15 days in and here is what I have found:

The Greek Island slogan is Open Your Hearts, which is exactly what I did, but falling in love on a donkey isn’t graceful. But, somehow I managed, Aussie men seem to love girls from Texas.(much more than texas men love girls from texas) The boisterous tour guide found himself loosing at a bar game to yours truly and loosing in the battle against love. He was swept away by my Coors “liiiight” y’all twang and seemingly blonder hair(thanks to our trips to the beach).

I broke his heart at the Sunset at Oia when an American accent of a Colombia Co-ed caught my ear and my heart. A good looking, smart, financial assistant in New York….yes please. Later to realize at the bar that he had dance moves of a baby giraffe.

I left Greece empty handed, headed for Istanbul in hopes of love.
So far all I have met are hairy men looking to “practice their english,” and have continued to find myself as a card carrying member of the lonely hearts club on the reg.

Ps. Don’t fret! I still have 19 days to find love!

Natural Disaster: Growing Up

Have you ever felt like the whole world was crumbling beneath you? I have, it happened on May 9, 2011. You may be thinking, ok she’s not from one of the multiple cities that has been crushed my these natural disaters(which is true) but I have faced a natural disaster of my own. Growing up. Yes, it’s natural, and Yes, at the moment it is a disaster. Or at least it seems to be a devastating as one.

May 9, 2011 was the day I left some of the best friends I could imagine. The day I said good bye to keg stands, bouncing, the student section tottys, and late-nighting(ok, maybe not but a girl can dream.) This was also the day that I said hello to, serving time on Albans(living with my parents), picking out dental insurance, considering a retirement plan, and receiving emails from my boss.

This day is a realization of bad timing, Realizing that maybe I should have given that (big) guy sophomore year a chance. (As he saunters across the stage with honors and a much slimmer physique) or worse starting to date a new boy (when he shows up to your graduation party with 20 of his closest family and friends that came in for graduation and having to meet them all.)

It seems from this bad timing that nothing good comes from this day. This day will forever be remembered as the worst natural disaster ever. The step into the real world.

Ok ok, I know im being a Debbie downer. Maybe I should look at the rainbow after the rain….so let’s give it a try: Realizing that I have laughed harder in the past 4 years than I knew was possible (also a plus that same laughter burned tons of latenight cals off). Realizing that through all of the bad break ups, hookups, and stupid fights there is always someone there to sit on the couch with and spoon feed my moral hang over with the typical “he’s not worth it,” “you are so much preitter than her,” or my favorite “I’ve done worse!” lines that are always soothing. Realizing that no matter where I am (Istanbul, dallas, new york, or Houston) there is always going to be that someone that needs meand knows me better than anyone else.

So now that I am sitting here thinking about the #realworldblues they don’t actually seem to be that bad. Hey, people always call me a natural disater and they always seem to come back for more. So as for the natural disaster of growing up, hit me with your best shot! I’ll be waiting to see what you can bring on because I know that even if that levee breaks there will be someone to pick me up on the reg.

NYE KISS

Who was your New Years Eve kiss?

Girls sit and plot and plan their whole entire night months before New Years Eve. What city, what bar, what dress, what shoes, what nail polish color, and most important what boy?????

From my opinion, it’s not really what boy, more like which kiss? Here is NYE, the stroke of midnight, from my perspective.

Different types of New Years kisses:

1) Peek-a-boo: 5-4-3-2-1-turn and kiss. This is a good kiss from a stranger. The person standing next to you in the crowd that you will never see again. The boy that popped up right at the perfect time, that you have no intention of ever seeing again, but it was a good filler for the new year.

2) Pity Party: You know that girl that hangs out with all couples. That girl that has beautiful friends with even more beautiful boyfriends but no beau of her own. That girl gets the pity party kiss. When it chimes midnight she blows her horn and everyone kisses around her. When the couples finally look up from sucking face this girl is twiddling her thumbs trying not to make it obvious that she is so shamefully aware of her kiss-less lips. One of the girlfriends always turns to her boyfriend and says, “Go kiss pitiful, boyless, kissless, **insert your most awkward friends name here.** She’ll like it.” Then it happens the pity kiss. A short, sweet, peck-the kind you give your grandfather.

If you got the pity kiss this year, don’t worry about it! You might not be that bad, awkward or terrible looking, but I do have a suggestion for a new years resolution: look for some uglier friends. Friends that next new years you can send off your new man to pity kiss them!

3) Wet-and-Wild: oh baby ohhh baby. Tweeddle-drunk and tweeddle drunker getting it on the dance floor always go for the wet and wild at midnight. It doesn’t matter if it is a boyfriend/girlfriend combo or two perfect strangers. The wet and wild is the drunkards new years kiss that may turn into tomorrow mornings wake-up call. When your friends point at you and say, “And YOU were making out with the midget Mexican man with the fedora on!” and you are horrified. This is what I say to you Wet and Wild kisser, good for you! At least it will be one for the record books, even if you don’t remember it happening!

4) Woopsie-daisies: These are the kisses that you wake up and when your friends ask the dreaded question and you tell them the answer they respond by saying something like “oohhh, is that going to be awkward now?” It comes in many forms. This is the dreaded, woops, I made out with my best guy friend, my roommates ex-boyfriend, my neighbor or I think the worst is ex-boyfriend.

The ex-boyfriend kisser wins the Woopsie-Daisies award. Y’all probably just patched things up. Y’all could all hang out in a group again and it was going well. He was even talking to some other girl he met somewhere else and you, ex-boyfriend kisser, kissed him.

For you, Woopsie-Dasieys kisser, I do feel bad because this could turn into a sticky situation. But look at it this way-the boy that was already in your life could be the right one, 2011 could be the year of good things for you two. OR, think of it this way, midnight is almost last year so put it in the package with the rest of your woopsie daisies from 2010 and move on.

5) Mr. Incredible: No, I’m not talking about an over sized blonde man in a red spandex suit. I’m talking about the perfect vision of a midnight kiss. The guy you were making eyes with at the bar at the beginning of the night turned into the guy that was getting you drinks turned into the most magical midnight kiss turned into the man your walking down the aisle towards…ok maybe that’s a little fast but every girl can dream, right?

Everyone had one of these NYE kisses. If you didn’t, you should have, why not start the year off right with something interesting? I personally was on a family vaca in the Galapagos Islands salsa dancing in the streets with randar Ecuadorian men (whitegirlproblems). Regardless, I am with all you non-kissed peeps and have every intention of finding Mr. Incredible some other way.

I’ll be out on the streets trying to relive my NYE to find him on the reg.

Parental Advisory: The Real Meaning

Have you ever questioned what that parental advisory sticker was for? Parent's weekend explains it all.

Parental advisory takes on a whole new meaning during parents weekend. I feel it's a time when parents advise their children on what profane language is acceptable after a long day of tailgating, what sexual referances can be used in front of your children when they get to college and other things that children never thought the their parents would say/do.

The weekend before last was parents weekend at my university, my last parents weekend at that. Parent's weekend is one of those times in the year that kids love and hate. But the parents always love. It is a time for them to act as though they are in college again. I, personally love it, and here are some reasons why you should too.

My Parent's Weekend T-10:

1)It saves you about $100 in your allowance that month. Hello new Michael Kors booties.

2)Filet Mingon: a French phrase that is learned early on but is lost to all college students until parents weekend. When they are here we get great food. FOR “FREE”

3) Self Estem Building. Incase you were having bad self esstem because your peers were always beating you at drink games, this is a great time to gain back your confidence. You are well practiced you should beat your parents!

4) Black Mail. Most of us go to dinner with large groups during this weekend. Parents have a few drinks and inevitably share some embarrassing story about your friends in middle school….and let’s be honest we all know our parents have those kinds of stories on us.

5) TARGET. Everything you could have ever dreamed of is bought for you!

6) Tail gating has better quality alcohol. Shot Gunning a Dos Equis is very classy.

7) Parents reliving their glory days. I had a song dedicated to me by a friend’s father’s high school band. Dad's are constantly talking about how their frat(even though you have never heard of it) was the best on campus when they were in school. Mom's are on the dance floor holding hands with other moms(that they just met) mostly just so they will all stay standing.

8)Ultimate Walk of Shame. Picking up your friends from the nicest hotels in town because someone else’s older brother was irresistible and they had to ride the elevator down with their little league soccer coach and God Parents. Shoes in hand, last night’s outfit, hangover make-up and all. This always makes for a good story.

9 ) Cougar town. It’s not just a TV show. Mom’s everywhere dressed in their white jeans and small shirts with their plastic parts out to play. This is great for the boys and hysterical for us girls to watch in action.

10) Clarity. Finally understanding where you came from. They like to party. You like to party. It all make sense.

Even though it was my last parents’ weekend, I’m glad I now know how I will be at my children’s parents weekends. Starting now I’m counting down the days to Mom’s and Dad’s weekends on the reg.

Barbies on Crack

Do you pay for your friends?

I’m sure that if you are apart of the Greek system you have heard and feel like that is the most annoying question ever. And I guarantee you were asked that by a GDI (God Damn Independent) who probably only knows about Greek things because of Animal House, Greek(the TV show) and House Bunny. (Mind you all of these things have very realistic sides to them). This person doesn’t understand that we make the letters they don’t make us.

With that said, I have just finished my last go around in loudest, most estrogen filled 2 weeks of my life aka the widely known phenomenon we call RUSH and it is for sure the most rediculous, hypnotizing event ever.

The girls going through rush take on a Stepford wife-like form. They send pictures of themselves leaning up against trees or even better the new trendy shot of them leaning up against some old rustic looking garage in their lily Pulitzer dresses…bare foot (a little out of place, don't you think). They get letters sent to the sororities by old women who barley know them, who for the most part just copy their resume into letter form. They do their best job possible of cleaning up their Facebooks because they know they will be stalked severely by girls elected by their chapters to sit on Facebook all summer checking status updates. And the one I was most guilty of, for at least 3 months before rush they have a constant steam of word vomit about rush-everything from dresses to reputations.

Sorority girls prepare by practicing how to bounce around and chant like banshees, coming up with (sometimes perverted) slogans that will help them remember girls names, diving into tubs full of glitter so the decorations can be just perfect, and having hour long conversations about how to have conversations.

Then it happens-the one week out of the year that the word CUTE is used more than any other and when over a million girls each year “make the decision of their lifetime.” This week includes strategy to make the best “tops” want to be a part of the best chapter, high kicks and song rewrites that are more impressive than as seen on Broadway, and hundreds of girls in one kitchen eating any sort of food that it is possible to put some ones face on (M&Ms, Cakes, cookies, etc.). After the meaningful conversations that girls rarely remember happen girls make a choice. They can Tri the best, only chose once, GKODB or begin to claim any other slogan that will define the rest of their 4 years in college.

Though this process might seem as though we are all a bunch of “barbies on crack,” I can assure you that these friendships really do last a lifetime. Whether you are a DDD, KKG, DG, SAE, ATO, XYZ or any other combination of letters, you know you feel the same way.

All that really matters is for the next 7 months I’ll be reppin my sorority on the reg.

Faux Dating

Have you ever “been friends” with someone that all of your friends said you were dating?

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is called feaux dating. If you are semi attractive and have any sort or social skills with the opposite sex then I am sure you have fallen victim to a faux dating relationship.

Signs you are in a faux dating relationship:

• Constant communication with this person. Texting is the perfect outlet for feaux dating to start and advance. Everything that happens to you, you let that person know. A boy doesn’t care that you just got 6 ins cut off your hair and now you are having horrible flashbacks to your fifth grade bowl cut unless he really likes you. Especially if he adds a smiley to the text that is intended to make you feel better. Side note: if any boy is using emoji’s on a regular basis…you prob shouldn’t be worried they like you-maybe you could set him up with the hair stylist that gave you the bowl cut.
• Late night phone calls. The kinds of calls that if you were sitting around with your roommates and they call you go into your room and shut the door. In the words of Usher, U got it, U got it bad. When your on the phone-hang up and you call right back.
• Going to see movies you would never see unless that person asked you too. Yes, I will see Inception with you but seeing Leo isn’t the only reason-it’s just to spend time with your faux beau. For guys, The Notebook is the perfect example. No guy that is just a friend wants to be the shoulder you cry when the 2 old people die at the end. If I’m a bird you’re a bird…..and we are in love. GAME OVER.
• Going on small vacations solo. Lake houses, beach houses, river houses, ranches-all of these places are great place to spend quality time with a loved one…LOVED one…not just a friend. I want to teach how to wake board or ride a horse is a really great ploy to get some alone time and to unnecessarily touch someone….isn’t it boys.wink.wink.
• Dinner dates are called dates for a reason. They are for people that are dating or people that work and haven’t seen each other in a while. NOT for people that see each other/talk everyday. **note: spontaneous, meet each other at Central to grab a bite to eat is different than previously planned, riding-together-to-meals dates.

All of these things happen because one person is more attracted to the other. Sorry for ruining your game boys-but just ask the girl out already.

As for you girls, I say keep up the good work. I love faux dating relationships. Hilarious texts that keep you entertained during class/work. Check. Late night phone calls that make you feel worth something when your roommates are all hanging out with their boy friends. Check. Impressing guys at bars with all the guy movies you’ve seen without paying for the ticket. Check. Being able to shred the gnar due to your frequent wake board lessons. Check. Free Food. Check. Faux dating might actually be the way to go.

So you will see me out there with all of my faux beaus waiting for them to tell me they truly love me on the reg.

If barbie can't do it, WHO CAN

Have you ever thought about if you were in a different city you would have a better shot at finding your main squeeze?

Even though I failed geography in high school and yes, it was taught by the baseball coach, I truly believe that relationships are all about location. For the past 3 ½ years I have spent the majority of my going out days in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area and for the majority of the past 3 ½ years I have been single. Not the kind of single that screams I am single and excited about it! The kind of single that is single and ready to mingle….and mingling is a skill of mine. Funny thing is no relationship has come my way.

As I have stated before I am not a troll but in the DFW area I might as well live under a bridge. Interested to see if it was just me, I have talked to tons of my friends to see their reactions to the unkind, frat-star mentality of the boys here. NEWSFLASH-they all say the same thing! (halleluiah, it not just me!)

Guys here must believe shivery is dead. Some of my friends here are Barbies (blonde hair, legs for days, beautiful girls) and if they can’t get the time of day then really there is no hope for all of us Staceys, Skippers, and Midges’ (barbies friends ). This is sad….BUT girls there is hope!!

I have gone to bars while visiting other schools or in my hometown(Houston) and without fail I haven’t had to pay for drinks/have had witty, educated conversations. So what it really comes down to is location location location.

Just a heads up DFW is not the place to find love…Jake Pavleka is from the DFW and he is the perfect example of a DFW male with no skills in choosing a half descent mate. And lets be real, you all saw who he picked, Vienna, the least attractive, most obnoxious girl on The Bachelor. Maybe I should get bad extensions and figure out a way to send one eye astray at all times or maybe I’ll just stick to finding my beau in Houston.

Basically our Ken’s are out there…just not here. So as soon as May 2011 rolls around you will be seeing me at any of the following, OUTSIDE of the Dallas Ft. Worth area: bars, shopping malls, grocery stores-pretty much anywhere you could meet a future hubbie on the reg.

p.s. thank you to all guys in other areas for having brains and the skills of a gentlemen.