BIG BLONDE AND BEAUTIFUL

During the winter have you ever wished you looked a little bit more like the summer version of you?

We all do-there is no question in my mind that everyone would agree, we all look better in the summer. You are tanner, skinnier, blonder and just all around better looking. Cosmo had a statistic that something like 54% of people meet their boyfriends/girlfriends in the warmer months. Yes, the weather is hotter but I’m convinced as a race, WE ARE HOTTER too!

So because I will be spending my spring break in New York City (buying clothes for the warmer months slash my new boy toy that I’m destined to find this spring) I will not be getting a tan like those of you partying it up in Cabo Wabo. Therefore I decided to solve all my problems in a bottle. No, not the alcohol bottle (but that might help too) a bottle self tanner and a bottle of shampoo that is color depositing (blonde, of course). Both of which have a weird stench, a horrifyingly bright orange color and have glitter in them-just call me Mariah.

Yes, sometimes these things go horribly wrong. People turn orange, they smell funny, and all around look like an umpa lumpa. And the shampoo could be bad too, the whole my hair turning bleach blonde or all my hair falling out thing is petrifying. But sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

So far, I am a couple of days in and none of these terrifying things have happened…actually I’m lookin’ kinda good.

So all you paradise jet setters be ready because when you get back I’ll be big blonde and beautiful and will have a whole new wardrobe.

So watch out all you guys out there I am ready for the warm months and I’ll be out on the prowl on the reg.

spring break workout terror

Have you ever felt like you would rather anything happen that you been seen while working out?

I have…daily. Being that it is the week before, the weeke before spring break EVERYONE is at the REC. Therefore, being the single the girl that I am, looking a hot mess while working out isn’t ideal. So here is how the week at the REC went for me:

Monday: I went in the afternoon, to expect to see no one there. It is usually pretty empty early afternoon, so I figured it would be a good day to wear my leggings that have a hole in them. Oh yes, the hole is strategically right in the middle of my left butt cheek. Its small and most people wouldn’t notice and usually my shirt is covering it. Well I’m downstairs in the REC doing lunges(the area were all the cute boys are) and I see this really cute boy checking me out. Of course I am thinking, ohh yea I’m so cute…it wasn’t until I got home that I noticed the whole was now the size of a dime and he wasn’t looking at my (not-so) hot bod but really just the huge hole in my ass.

Tuesday: During class a couple good friends and I decide to go to a kickboxing class at the REC-great idea right, work out early, get our lives all together, it will be fun! NOT FUN! MISERABLY HARD! 1^st Nazi lesbian teacher is terrifying and very serious. She preempts the class by saying if you feel nauseous at any time feel free to excuse yourself! I’m sorry, I didn’t know this was coaching for bulimia! 2^nd right after our extremely hard class, to reward ourselves we headed for Fuzzy’s Taco Shop and munched hard…glad we burned all those calories. I mean at least we walked over there right.

Wednesday: I woke up miserably sore (thank you Nazi kick boxing teacher) and headed to the REC for a light work out right before my afternoon class. This class is full of cute boys, maybe my only class with boys in it in general. So while at the REC my friend points out the bearded midget man next to us jumping rope vigorously. Oh don’t worry it was my professor for the class I had that afternoon. I thought, awkward, but no big deal. Later that afternoon, he calls me out in front of the whole class, “Hey, maybe we should get on a work out regimen together…looks like you were getting at the weights pretty hard.” And success, I am mortified…don’t think I’ll be getting asked out on any dates from that class, now that teach and I have our weekly REC date.

Thursday: I went to the REC around 5, horrible mistake. Not only is it crowded it is full of boys! Hot boys that are going to see me looking a hot mess. Everyone has that one boy that they would do anything to date, well mine is older, beautiful and clearly spends a lot of time at the REC if you know what I mean. Well anyways, I was working out on the machine next to the stairs. I see him coming up the stairs so I start to go faster and right as he said, “oh hey,” my knee gave out and I FEEL OFF THE MACHINE. Mind you it was a cross trainer so after I fell off it came back and hit me. Kick me while I’m down…awesome. Thank god, he didn’t notice, but the girl next to me gave me the laugh/sorry for me “Are you ok?” PERFECT.

It’s Friday morning and I am very reluctant to get up and go to the REC in fear of something happening that will either seriously hurt me physically or something happening that will prevent me from ever getting a date.

All I know is come two weeks from now, all this torture better be worth it when I am sportin my bather on the reg.

Perfect Wedding: something old(me) something new(boyfriend) something borrowed(charm) and something blue(dress)

Do you ever think about who your bridesmaids will be when you get married?

I never thought that at the age of 21 I would be talking about who my mine would be but I am. Apparently that is the conversation of the month. Maybe it was all the Valentines Day hype, which by the way should just be called Singles Awareness Day.

Or maybe its actually real, maybe all of my friends will be married within the next year. Which is terrifying because I don’t even have any prospects for a boyfriend much less a husband. So I guess, 27 Dresses here I come, always a brides maid, never a bride.

Coming from a group of 12 best friends in highschool and then joining a sorority means that there is potential for me to be in A LOT of weddings.

Which might turn out to be perfect for me. It means that there are that many more guys (groomsmen) for me to meet when these awesome, open bar, shit-shows (I mean weddings) start happening.

So to all you future brides out there aka, all my roommates, I’m going to need you to pick out cute bride's maid dresses so that I can find me a beau and be the next bride. I need something sweetheart, cinched at the waist and preferably blue-it really brings out my eyes. K thanks.

So starting with my sister, who I’m sure will be next, I need you to find a husband that has really cute, smart, funny, successful friends so that whoever walks me down the aisle at your wedding could be the one Daddy walks me down the aisle towards at my own. So all in all, in trade for the dress and new boyfriend of choice I promise I will plan some great bachelorette parties on the reg.

"just friends" YEA RIGHT!

Have you ever had a best friend of the opposite sex that was just a friend?

LIAR!!!

Ok ok, that was a little harsh but I am the queen of “just friends” and I really do after putting some research into it believe that there is no such thing as a platonic friendship between girls and guys at least not in the beginning. I used to be the biggest proponent for guy and girl friendships.

It wasn’t until a good guy friend (who I thought was one of the best looking guys I’d ever met) said, “I don’t believe that when you meet a guy and he makes you laugh and doesn’t have a bad jaw line either, that you are like, hmm I want him to be my best friend.” In my head I was hoping he didn’t know that’s how I felt about him, but he was right. Of course, I said nothing and waited for him to continue. He then said, "It goes both ways, do you think that when you walk out of your house when you are going out at night and your best guy friend looks you up and down, maybe lingers a little when he gets to your chest, that he is thinking man I would never touch her, she is like my sister? No, he is think uh huh, I could tap that.” Vulgar but true.

This sent my head/heart for a whirl wind…which of my guy friends think I’m hot? If I don’t think he is cute does that mean he thinks I’m cute? If I told him I loved him would he love me back? Ok, maybe not that extreme but lets be honest that is kinda a scary thought.

I mean everyone has had that friend that they liked but then as soon as they started to like you, you stopped liking them or worse that friend that you drunkenly made out with and you never speak of it again. Girls and boys aren’t meant to be friends but we all believe in torturing ourselves by getting close enough to touch without actually touching.

I have gone on to believe he was right to an extent that maybe a relationship can grow into a platonic friendship but every guy/girl friendship starts with one person thinking the other was attractive or they wouldn’t have thought about even talking to the other to begin with. It’s just the way we are made.

All and all at the moment I have a plethora of guy friends that I wouldn’t want to date…and I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t date me but if you are reading this boys, you could be Mr. Right. SO LET ME KNOW!

So, to all you boys out there I don’t need any more guy friends I’M LOOKING FOR THE REAL DEAL on the reg.

pretty vs. funny

Dear Mom,

I know you are worried that the people that read my blog think I am a “troll.” I’ll try and let them know that I am pretty but I’m not really sure how to do that in a funny way. The problem is if my readers think I’m pretty they won’t think I’m funny. It’s kinda like in Legally Blonde, “happy people just don’t kill their husbands, “ well pretty people just don’t write funny blogs

Maybe I should just tell them I’m pretty and not be funny at all. I’ve never seen anybody turn off Heidi Klum. But let’s be honest, I think Heidi is in a different gene pool than us-I’m not sure if her genes would sit at the same lunch table as ours.

Heidi Klum or not, I figure if people tell you that you look like a celebrity (that’s not Hilary Clinton or Kathy Griffin) than you are probably pretty good looking. The celebrity I look like people usually can’t think of her name, it’s usually, “you look like that white girl in that dance movie.” (Julia Stiles) It’s fine, she is still a celebrity and a pretty good looking one at that. So I think I might stick to the pretty theme because let’s be honest I’m not really similar to any other comedians.

Qualities of good comedians that I don’t have:

• I’m not Jewish, no Jew-fro, no Hanukah jokes, no JAP (Jewish American princess) stories. Adam Sandler has all of these things; I don’t even have an egghead. NOT FAIR.
• I don’t have red hair. It seems weird but red heads have a one up in the comedy world. I think it’s because they are generally angry at the world in a funny way. Ie. Carrot Top and Kathy Griffin
• I’m not a red neck. I can’t joke about “that twister that rolled through my kitchen and snatched up my kids but it’s ok because it left the beer. “ I’m an inner city girl, and I think Bill Engvall has that country genre covered.
• I’m not fat. I can’t joke about being the “biggest loser” or ask you to “get in my belly!” RIP Chris Farley
• I’m not Black. It’s just not funny when white people joke about being suppressed. And let’s be honest Dave Shappelle’s white people voice makes everything he says funnier.

All and all I don’t really have any qualities of a good comedian. So you are right, I’ll just tell them I’m pretty. I love you so much! You are the best mom ever.

Love,

Your beautiful daughter

P.S. I’m still going to talk about my lack of love life on the reg.

Cupid Give Me Some Arrows

Have you ever wished that someone would just set you up so that you didn't have to go out looking for prince charming?

I DO!! But its never happened like that for me. Actually, I lied, one time it did happen and instead or prince charming I got a Shrek like stalker, but that is beside the point.

I am more of the setter upper instead of the set up. If you have ever seen "Fiddler on the Roof" you know the song, "match maker, match maker make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch." That's my theme song, in more ways than one. It's a sad situation for me, but if you are single and ready to mingle I will probably find you a a cute, smart, funny boyfriend that I am "just friends with" (but secretly love with) in hours of you telling me you want one. I know, your thinking this isn't true, that I'm not Patti Stanger from the Millionaires club-I'm Better!

You could be one of my single friends reading this right now, thinking but I go out with you all the time and I don't have a boyfriend. But I promise if I worked at it for one night, you and Mr. Perfect(let's be honest with my group of friends, Mr. Frat Star) will be riding off together into sunset by the end of the night in a horse drawn carriage(or F150). Believe me, I have better success rates than eHarmony.

All I know is in about 2 years I expect to be giving some hilarious bridesmaid speeches on the reg.

KATRINA vs. Electronics!!

Have you ever felt like all of your electronics were going against you?

I am usually not one of those people.

I am usually the the abuser, I fully understand that my friends have nicknamed me Katrina for a reason. Yes, Katrina, like the hurricane. I break most things I touch and leave my debree most everywhere I go. I tend to have issues keeping my arms and legs in control(my parents always told me that was because I was growing. Not growing anymore guys, I'm 21) which leads me to be a bull in a china shop of some sorts.

But this week it was as if all of my electronics were seeking revenge. It was war.

Sunday: I have been known to drop phones in liquids, peeled the numbers off of them, covered them in duct tape but Sunday really took the cake. one of my friends drove over it. The screen was black but at least it still kinda worked.

later that day i new it was done when a spark flew out of the bottom.

Monday: I tried to watch a a video, yes video tape, on my TV. Mind you, my TV is a TV/VCR circa 1989. I mean the type of old that people walk into my room and ask me if "that dinosaur" works? Well, thanks to the tape that got stuck in the VCR, the answer is NO, it won't even turn on.

TVs down for the count.

Tuesday:I woke up and went to my 8am(the only people that should wake up that early are people with jobs and people with dogs) and brought my computer to class to take notes. I opened the computer and tried to open a new document. I have a mac book pro and the track pad wasn't responding.

Mac book=1 me=0.

It is Wednesday and nothing is broken yet but i am sure something will go by the wayside. But I'm just waiting! I will be ready!

Whether it's my Katrina skills or my magnetic personality, even though the electronics think they have one up on me. I will persevere and win the war on the reg.