Perfect Wedding: something old(me) something new(boyfriend) something borrowed(charm) and something blue(dress)

Do you ever think about who your bridesmaids will be when you get married?

I never thought that at the age of 21 I would be talking about who my mine would be but I am. Apparently that is the conversation of the month. Maybe it was all the Valentines Day hype, which by the way should just be called Singles Awareness Day.

Or maybe its actually real, maybe all of my friends will be married within the next year. Which is terrifying because I don’t even have any prospects for a boyfriend much less a husband. So I guess, 27 Dresses here I come, always a brides maid, never a bride.

Coming from a group of 12 best friends in highschool and then joining a sorority means that there is potential for me to be in A LOT of weddings.

Which might turn out to be perfect for me. It means that there are that many more guys (groomsmen) for me to meet when these awesome, open bar, shit-shows (I mean weddings) start happening.

So to all you future brides out there aka, all my roommates, I’m going to need you to pick out cute bride's maid dresses so that I can find me a beau and be the next bride. I need something sweetheart, cinched at the waist and preferably blue-it really brings out my eyes. K thanks.

So starting with my sister, who I’m sure will be next, I need you to find a husband that has really cute, smart, funny, successful friends so that whoever walks me down the aisle at your wedding could be the one Daddy walks me down the aisle towards at my own. So all in all, in trade for the dress and new boyfriend of choice I promise I will plan some great bachelorette parties on the reg.

"just friends" YEA RIGHT!

Have you ever had a best friend of the opposite sex that was just a friend?

LIAR!!!

Ok ok, that was a little harsh but I am the queen of “just friends” and I really do after putting some research into it believe that there is no such thing as a platonic friendship between girls and guys at least not in the beginning. I used to be the biggest proponent for guy and girl friendships.

It wasn’t until a good guy friend (who I thought was one of the best looking guys I’d ever met) said, “I don’t believe that when you meet a guy and he makes you laugh and doesn’t have a bad jaw line either, that you are like, hmm I want him to be my best friend.” In my head I was hoping he didn’t know that’s how I felt about him, but he was right. Of course, I said nothing and waited for him to continue. He then said, "It goes both ways, do you think that when you walk out of your house when you are going out at night and your best guy friend looks you up and down, maybe lingers a little when he gets to your chest, that he is thinking man I would never touch her, she is like my sister? No, he is think uh huh, I could tap that.” Vulgar but true.

This sent my head/heart for a whirl wind…which of my guy friends think I’m hot? If I don’t think he is cute does that mean he thinks I’m cute? If I told him I loved him would he love me back? Ok, maybe not that extreme but lets be honest that is kinda a scary thought.

I mean everyone has had that friend that they liked but then as soon as they started to like you, you stopped liking them or worse that friend that you drunkenly made out with and you never speak of it again. Girls and boys aren’t meant to be friends but we all believe in torturing ourselves by getting close enough to touch without actually touching.

I have gone on to believe he was right to an extent that maybe a relationship can grow into a platonic friendship but every guy/girl friendship starts with one person thinking the other was attractive or they wouldn’t have thought about even talking to the other to begin with. It’s just the way we are made.

All and all at the moment I have a plethora of guy friends that I wouldn’t want to date…and I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t date me but if you are reading this boys, you could be Mr. Right. SO LET ME KNOW!

So, to all you boys out there I don’t need any more guy friends I’M LOOKING FOR THE REAL DEAL on the reg.

pretty vs. funny

Dear Mom,

I know you are worried that the people that read my blog think I am a “troll.” I’ll try and let them know that I am pretty but I’m not really sure how to do that in a funny way. The problem is if my readers think I’m pretty they won’t think I’m funny. It’s kinda like in Legally Blonde, “happy people just don’t kill their husbands, “ well pretty people just don’t write funny blogs

Maybe I should just tell them I’m pretty and not be funny at all. I’ve never seen anybody turn off Heidi Klum. But let’s be honest, I think Heidi is in a different gene pool than us-I’m not sure if her genes would sit at the same lunch table as ours.

Heidi Klum or not, I figure if people tell you that you look like a celebrity (that’s not Hilary Clinton or Kathy Griffin) than you are probably pretty good looking. The celebrity I look like people usually can’t think of her name, it’s usually, “you look like that white girl in that dance movie.” (Julia Stiles) It’s fine, she is still a celebrity and a pretty good looking one at that. So I think I might stick to the pretty theme because let’s be honest I’m not really similar to any other comedians.

Qualities of good comedians that I don’t have:

• I’m not Jewish, no Jew-fro, no Hanukah jokes, no JAP (Jewish American princess) stories. Adam Sandler has all of these things; I don’t even have an egghead. NOT FAIR.
• I don’t have red hair. It seems weird but red heads have a one up in the comedy world. I think it’s because they are generally angry at the world in a funny way. Ie. Carrot Top and Kathy Griffin
• I’m not a red neck. I can’t joke about “that twister that rolled through my kitchen and snatched up my kids but it’s ok because it left the beer. “ I’m an inner city girl, and I think Bill Engvall has that country genre covered.
• I’m not fat. I can’t joke about being the “biggest loser” or ask you to “get in my belly!” RIP Chris Farley
• I’m not Black. It’s just not funny when white people joke about being suppressed. And let’s be honest Dave Shappelle’s white people voice makes everything he says funnier.

All and all I don’t really have any qualities of a good comedian. So you are right, I’ll just tell them I’m pretty. I love you so much! You are the best mom ever.

Love,

Your beautiful daughter

P.S. I’m still going to talk about my lack of love life on the reg.